Haruki Suzumiya: Volume 1 Full Text
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[edit] Prologue
Prologue by Kaisos Erranon, edited by Jintor
When did I stop believing in Santa Claus?
In truth, I can say that sort of question doesn't hold any real significance for me. But if you were to ask me when I stopped believing that the old man in the red costume was Santa, then I can confidently say I have never, ever believed in Santa Claus.
I knew that the Santa who appeared at my preschool Christmas party was a fraud; when I sat in his lap, I didn't feel the eyes of a kindly old man on me. In fact, it was a little creepy to be sitting in the lap of some random old guy and espousing your deepest wishes. I guess I was already wise enough to question the existence of an old man who worked only on Christmas.
It was a long time later, though, before I realized that aliens, time-travelers, magical girls, demons and espers like you see in crazy special-effects filled cartoons didn't exist either. No, wait... I probably did realize. I just didn't want to admit it. Deep inside my heart I wanted those aliens, time-travelers, magical girls, demons, espers, and evil organizations to suddenly pop up in front of me. The world of special effects and stories was way more exciting than my boring, ordinary life.
I wanted to live in that world, too! I wanted my life to be filled with excitement!
I wanted to be the one who got kidnapped by aliens and imprisoned in a giant bowl-like fortress. I wanted to be the one saved by the handsome prince and taken off to live in castles happily ever after. Or to be someone who could banish demons and monsters with a single spell, engage in psychic duels with evil espers and save my one true love from danger!
My rational mind noted that I didn't actually have any powers, and neither did anybody I know. But hang on... what if one day, a mysterious new student transfers to my class. Except he's really an alien, or from the future, or psychic or something. Then I'll make friends with him, and his enemies (sensing a weak spot) would come and kidnap me to force him to do something! Then he'd have to come and rescue me and I could just sit back and wait! That would be awesome!
Or, maybe, one day a mysterious power inside me awakens... like, telepathy or psychokenisis or something. And I'd discover that a lot of other people around the world would have similar powers, and then some sort of paranormal organization would come recruiting. I'd join up, get some sort of talking animal companion, and protect the world from evil demons and monsters!
...unfortunately, reality is rather cruel.
No magical prince came to sweep me off my feet. I've never seen a UFO. My dog never talked to me, even when I fed him alphabet soup. Two hours of intense staring at my pencil didn't make it move a single millimeter, and glaring at the back of my classmate's head didn't reveal her thoughts to me, either. The normality of the world was... depressing.
Eventually, I stopped searching the skies for UFOs and watching all those magical girl shows because I had finally convinced myself that weird stuff like that didn't exist. I even reached a point where eventually, all that was left was a certain sense of nostalgia for that old view of the world.
After I graduated from Junior High, I also left behind my childish dreams and became completely grounded in reality. Nothing happened in 1999, even though I kept hoping, just a bit, that something would; humanity hadn't returned to the moon or gone beyond it. I guessed I'd be long dead before you could book a round trip to Alpha Centauri.
And so, with these thoughts in the corner of my mind, I became a normal, carefree, Senior High-Schoolgirl.
Until the day...
Until the day I met Suzumiya Haruki.
[edit] Chapter 1
Chapter 1 by Kaisos Erranon edited by Jintor and Beanbrew
[edit] Part 1
I had landed a position in my local senior high school.
I'd already begun to regret this. My new school lurked on top of a rather steep hill, and even in this calm spring weather, anybody climbing to school would end up all hot and sweaty. It looks like there was no way I was going to be able to enjoy a simple leisurely walk to school.
Every time that thought rose up in my head, along with the realization that I'd have to repeat this trek every day for the next three years, I became more tired and depressed. I had overslept that day, and was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. If I had, I would have gotten into a better school, or at least one that wasn't situated on top of Mt. Everest (I guess that's why people in stories invent time machines...). All in all, it was pretty depressing.
That was why I was the only person wearing a grim face during the tedious, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everybody else was wearing that "starting a new journey" look on their faces; you know, that ridiculous mix of hope and uncertainty that every new student wears when they enter a new school. It wasn't the same for me - a whole bunch of kids from my old school had transferred here, too, as well as a couple of my friends. So I didn't feel that there was anything to really be concerned about.
The guys were all wearing blazers, but us girls were wearing the traditional sailor uniform. An odd combination, I thought. Maybe that snore-inducing principal up on the stage had a fetish for sailor fuku? If I had studied harder, then maybe I wouldn't have to wear something that looks like it came straight out of a H-game... maybe I could get a petition together with all the other girls? No, too much work.
As I pondered the matter, the old man's monotonous speech finally finished, and I and my not-so-willing new classmates shuffled to our assigned classroom, 1-5.
Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, flashed a practiced-in-front-of-the-mirror-for-days smile at us as she began her self-introduction. She told us that she was a PE teacher, and was the Handball team's coach. Then she mentioned that she had played for a high ranking Handball team back in college, and that the current Handball team was lacking members so you were practically guaranteed a position if you joined up, and Handball was the best sport in the world, it was also great fun, and just when I thought that my brain was about to die from the sheer amount of Handball-related crap she was telling us, she apparently ran out of things to say.
So after a slightly awkward silence, she suddenly blurted out:
"So, let's introduce ourselves!"
I couldn't say this was an uncommon event; it was pretty typical in new classes, so I wasn't surprised at all. One by one, the people on the left hand side of the classroom rose and introduced themselves to the rest of us. You know, a basic introduction - their name, which middle school they had gone too, some 'interesting' stuff about themselves; hobbies or favorite foods, that kind of thing. Some people just mumbled their way through their introductions; others were totally relaxed about theirs. A few even told lame jokes to try and ease the temperature in the room.
All the while, my turn was drawing closer and closer. A little nerve-wracking, you know what I mean?
After I had finished delivering my carefully-thought-out, minimum-length introduction without stumbling over the words too much, I sat down, relishing the feeling of completing an unpleasant but necessary task.
I'll probably never forget the next few minutes for the rest of my life.
The person behind me stood up for his turn, and begun with the words that would be topic of conversation here at North High for a long time to come. "My name is Suzumiya Haruki." he said, in a clear, crisp voice. "From East Junior High."
Up to this point, his intro had been completely normal, so I didn't bother to look around at him. I just stared straight forwards and listened to his voice.
"I have no interest in ordinary humans. If there are any aliens, time-travelers, sliders, or espers here, then come! That's all."
Now, that made me turn around.
Before me stood a guy with long, black hair that came down just past his neck, and a daring, challenging look upon his slightly angular face. He stared back at the gawking students with eyes blazing with determination, his lips slightly pursed.
I recall being dazzled by his white throat. A striking beauty stood before me.
Haruki let his gaze sweep across the classroom, as though daring somebody - anybody - to challenge him, before stopping to glare at me for a bit (I was gaping, mouth wide open), before dropping into his seat without so much as cracking a smile.
Was this guy serious?
Nobody knew how to react; most likely, their minds were simply full of questions.
"Were we supposed to laugh?"
Nobody knew.
In hindsight, he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny. When it comes to stuff like that, Haruki is never joking. He's always dead serious. I learned this the hard way, later on, so I couldn't be wrong.
The fairies of silence flitted around the classroom for a full thirty seconds before Okabe-sensei, obviously flustered, gestured to the next person to continue, and the frozen atmosphere finally lifted.
And so we met.
I desperately wish I could believe it was all just mere coincidence.
[edit] Part 2
Having captured everybody's attention on the first day, Haruki was relatively quiet thereafter, playing the part of an ordinary high school male.
In hindsight, this was exactly what they mean when they say 'the calm before the storm'.
Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades, basically. So obviously a couple of kids in our class had been to school with Haruki and would therefore know exactly what his current stoicness symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know any kids from East Junior High, and nobody bothered to enlighten me. So a few days after that explosive introduction, I broke the world record for idiocy. I talked to Suzumiya Haruki.
My domino chain of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the idiot who pushed the first block!
You see, when Haruki just sits there in silence in his seat, he seems like just another ordinary high-school guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and since my seat was directly in front of his I figured it might be ok to try and talk to him. I was so naive! Somebody should have slapped some sense into me then and there!
"Hey."
I said casually, turning to look at him with an airy smile on my face.
"The stuff you said, back in your introduction. Was all that serious?"
With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.
"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"
"The stuff about the aliens."
"Do you happen to be an alien?"
He looked very serious.
"No, but-."
"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"
"...N-Nothing."
"Then don't bother talking to me. You are wasting my time."
His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki removed his glare from me, rather disdainfully, and (looking up) began to frown at the ceiling.
I racked my brains for a suitable response, but I couldn't think of anything to say, especially after being called a "waste of time". It's not like guys haven't treated me like that before, but coming from somebody like him... thankfully, Okabe-sensei walked in and saved me from having to think about it any longer.
As I dejectedly turned my head back towards the front of the class, I noticed a few people looking at me curiously. When our eyes met, each person had the same kind of expression on their face, a few even nodding their heads in sympathy, as to offer me their condolences.
I felt vaguely uncomfortable. It wasn't until later on that I learned they had all graduated from East Junior High.
-
Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that it was probably better not to get involved with him at all. A week went by without anything happening to make me rethink my decision.
But just because I had realized what Haruki was like didn't mean that everybody else had; some of them must have been totally blind to their surroundings. Some of them actually tried to talk to this eyebrow-locked, ferociously scowling, glowering boy named Haruki.
Sucks to be them.
Most of those people were sports-obsessed, delinquent sort-of guys. I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, thickset Haruki. This would have been perfectly fine if Haruki actually was a sports-obsessed delinquent.
"Hey, didja see the game last night? It went for an hour without a single goal being scored!"
"No."
"Eh? Why not?"
"I don't know."
“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“
"Shut up. You're pissing me off."
...was generally how it went.
Couldn't he just answer "no" and keep that perfect poker face of his? No, he had to show his impatience in his expression and his voice, leading his victims to believe that it was them who had done something wrong. In the end, they could only say "I... see... I'll just..." before slinking away, shoulders drooping, asking themselves: "Did I say something strange?"
Rest assured. It was not you that was strange. The strangeness here lies firmly with Haruki.
[edit] Part 3
Even though I don't mind eating alone, I figured that sitting by myself would probably mark me out as some loser girl that nobody liked. I'm not saying that's the reason why, but when lunchtime came around, I would sit with my junior high-school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High Graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.
One day, the subject of Suzumiya Haruki came up.
"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya-kun?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.
"And then he said some crazy stuff and you didn't really know how to react?" she continued.
"That's what happened."
Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said: "Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. I won't mince words; you should probably just give up now! You should have already have figured out he's not... well, you know. Not normal."
Excuse me?
"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is."
She used this line as a footstep to launch into a speech.
"He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"
"You mean the alien stuff?"
Kunikida, who was busy picking small bones out of her fried fish, had butted in.
"Yeah, that stuff. Even back in junior high, he always said and did tonnes of bizarre stuff. For example, there was that whole vandalism thing."
"What happened?"
"You know that thing they use, that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what's it called again...? Anyway, someone snuck into the school one night and used the... whatever-it's-called... to draw a huge symbol in the middle of the field."
Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.
"It was pretty amazing. Got to school early one morning, found giant triangles and circles scrawled all across the ground. Couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I headed to the fourth floor to get a better look, but no luck - still couldn't tell what the heck they were supposed to be."
"Ah, I think I heard about that" Kunikida said. "Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? They even got an aerial shot of it. Looked like a screwed-up Nazca etching..."
I don't remember hearing anything about this.
"Oh yeah, I saw that article." This was Taniguchi again. "The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that little stunt?"
"It was him, right?"
"He admitted it himself, so it's got to be him, right? Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."
"Why did he do it, then?"
"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice. "I heard he refused to say anything. You know what he’s like, refusing to say anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to different worlds, that sort of crap... A lot of rumours went around, but as long as he refuses to talk, nobody can really say. Whole thing's still a mystery."
In my mind, I could picture Suzumiya Haruki busy laying out those white lines in the middle of the school field at night, that no-nonsense look on his face. He'd probably have prepared the machine and the limestone powders beforehand, and left them in the storage room; maybe he'd even left out a flashlight. I couldn't help but think that under its dim, yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki would have looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back to stare into the heavens, waiting, wondering... hoping...
No, that’s just my imagination going weird.
He'd probably have been completely serious about the summoning thing, whatever it was. Perhaps he wanted to summon something to fight with? And when nothing ever appeared, he would have been completely demoralized... become bored, and maybe even melancholy. Well, that's just speculation, of course...
"That's not the only thing he did!" Taniguchi said, continuing to gobble down her lunch. "One time, we got to the classroom to find that all our desks had been moved outside, and there were stars painted all across the ceiling. Another time, he was going 'round the school, putting O-fuda everywhere... you know, those Chinese paper talisman things? No idea what was going through his head."
Suzumiya Haruki wasn't inside the classroom at this time, otherwise we probably wouldn't have been able to have this conversation. Although I got the feeling that even if he had been here, he probably wouldn't have cared. He generally left the classroom the moment lunch started and got back the second lunch ended, and he didn't carry a lunchbox, so I assumed he just went to the canteen to grab lunch. But it doesn't take a whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Maybe he eats a lot... come to think of it, he was never in the room between classes. Where the heck does he go?
"He’s really popular with the girls, though!”
Taniguchi winked.
"He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s totally nuts, if he keeps his mouth shut, he actually doesn't seem so bad."
"Where'd you learn all this gossip?" Kunikida asked, her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's.
"There was a period of time where he randomly started asking girls out, non stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended about 5 minutes after he asked her. And it was always Suzumiya-kun doing the dumping, no exceptions. The only reason he'd use was 'I don't have time for ordinary humans!' If you don't have time, why bother going out in the first place?"
That line again, huh?
Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and became a bit flustered.
"Hey, I heard about this from other people, OK? Honest! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just started asking out pretty much anybody! But by the third year, everyone had already worked it out and begun to stay away from him, so no one got asked out anymore. Anyway, I get the feeling the same thing's gonna happen in Senior High, so... I'm warning you now, stay away from him! Don't bother; give up. This is a friendly warning from somebody who was in the same class as him for years."
There's nothing to give up on, Taniguchi. I'm not interested in him, anyway. Besides, I thought he wouldn't be interested in somebody with my figure?
Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a high-pitched giggle. "If there's one guy I'd like to have choose me, though, it'd be him. Asakura Ryou."
Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the cluster, with a calm, pleasant grin on his face, was Asakura Ryou.
"As far as I'm concerned, he's definitely amongst the top three guys in our year."
"You checked out every single first-year guy in the school?" I asked.
"Oh, yeah. I group guys into categories, A through to D, and believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as fun as possible!" she giggled.
"Then Asakura-kun is an A then?" Kunikida asked.
"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! Plus, he's got a great butt, too!"
I really don't need to hear this.
"Oh, so the sort of guy who'd actually remember your birthday?" Kunikida butted in again.
Argh. I'm surrounded by idiots.
[edit] Part 4
Even ignoring Taniguchi's disturbing comments, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was quite a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki.
First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's impression of his personality was actually quite accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like a class monitor. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class alone, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was extremely popular with the guys in the class. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to being the idol of the male students in the class, who seemed to look at him like a feudal lord of old. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration...
Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical handsome prince from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.
-
It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant to me, a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that there was only be a month to go before Haruki would start going off his rocker.
Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.
Now, why would I say something like that?
Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something?
So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...
As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday... I bet he looks like some sort of typical shounen character.
I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks on Sunday.
Peculiarity #2: For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together, though the boys and girls separated. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.
Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.
It wasn’t as if he was an exhibitionist or anything. I think he simply didn’t care whether anybody saw his body or not. Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just throw his pants onto the desk and get into his gym gear.
While this was happening most of the girls in the class would be completely frozen and confused, so it was up to me to get them out of there, trying to ignore Haruki’s mostly-naked body.
According to gossip, the other guys in the class (led by Asakura Ryou) attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he refused. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take his pants off without so much as a glance. So, in order to keep our optical innocence, we girls decided to leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang.
Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built… argh, where am I going with this?
Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him. All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.
What exactly is he trying to do?
Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.
So, with all this kinda stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.
-
When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn. Maybe in some far off land, there’s three magical crones busily re-weaving my future?
…No, that’s just stupid.
After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. What on earth does the Earth want from me? Was it suffering from some sort of obscure medical ailment?
"Hi, Kyon!"
Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while. And was that her belt, undone?
"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.
"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."
"That’s boring!"
"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.
"I got a part-time job."
Probably at a brothel somewhere.
"Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."
"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your boyfriends or something."
Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. My uncle was the first person to call me that. A few years back, my long-time-no-see-good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of anything more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name, to everyone, became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!
"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week," was my indifferent response as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua. The sweat dripping from my hair was extremely unpleasant. I really need that shower...
Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy a new miniskirt for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.
So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.
[edit] Part 5
Suzumiya Haruki was already sitting at his seat, staring at the ceiling when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head - I guess that meant today was Wednesday? After I sat down, I must immediately have been possessed by some alien spirit, or something, because I then proceeded to do what no sane person would ever have done.
I talked to Suzumiya Haruki.
(Again.)
"The hair spikes. Are they some sort of way to contact aliens?"
Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes, his face set. That’s a seriously scary expression.
"When was it that you noticed?"
His tone was so cold that it was like icicles being crushed by sharp rocks. I paused for a second, trying to think of my answer under that freezing glare.
"F-for a while, I think."
"Well. Truth be told?" Haruki put his chin on his palm, looking irritated. "I think each day of the week gives off a different image."
I think this is the first time we've had an actual conversation!
"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."
Well, I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here... "So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?" I asked, trying to clarify.
"Yes."
"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"
"Who asked you?"
"…Um, yeah. Okay..."
Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare, and let time slip by.
"...Have we ever met before? Long ago?" he asked, after a while.
"No, I don’t think so." I replied. And with Okabe-sensei's entrance, our first real conversation drew to a close.
-
Our first conversation! Though it really wasn’t anything special, this might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for. Of course, the only time Haruki was actually in the classroom was the short bit of time before homeroom; but being seated in front of him gave me the perfect opportunity to just casually strike up a conversation with him.
A serious response from Haruki, though, still came as a surprise. I thought his response would have been something more along the lines of "Shut up!", "You're annoying!", "You're wasting my time!" or "Idiot!". I guess I must have been crazy, to even try and talk to him.
Which was why it was such a shock to come to school the next day to discover that Haruki was sitting there scowling with (instead of the three gelled spikes pattern dictated he'd have today) his long hair cut short. Wasn't changing hairstyles just because I talked to him about it a little hasty?
However, when I asked him why, he replied:
"There is no reason whatsoever."
Delivered with his trademark irritation. He didn't look angry or anything, though, so I guessed he wasn't just going to tell me his reasons.
Well, that was pretty much what I had expected.
-
"Did you really try joining every single club?"
After that, talking with Haruki before homeroom became just another routine. Of course, if I didn't try to start the conversation, Haruki would just sit there, staring out the window. And there were quite a few topics that he'd deemed 'idiotic conversation', such as the weather or TV shows, and if I tried to talk about them, he'd just ignore me. So I had to steer the conversation carefully.
"Let me know if you find any fun clubs, kay?"
"There are none." Haruki answered, flatly. "None exist."
After his emphasis, he let out a breath, like butterfly wings fluttering. A sigh?
"I thought that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. But ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing ever changes. Nothing is interesting. I joined the wrong school."
Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?
"All sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same; they're boring. If there were some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining that one. "
"Who put you in charge of deciding which clubs are interesting or not?"
"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A complete waste of my time."
"Really? Thought you'd say something like that."
"Mmm.”
He turned away in annoyance, marking the end of the day's conversation.
-
Another day:
"I, um, overheard this rumour... It's not something really important, but anyway... did you really dump all your girlfriends?"
"Who do you think you are to ask this of me?"
He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Didn't his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Off”?
"Did that girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that moron in the same class as me, year after year? I hope she isn’t one of those psycho stalker girls.”
"I doubt it."
(I think.)
"Well, I don't know what you heard, but it doesn't matter. It's probably all true, in any case."
"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"
"They were all totally no good!"
Looks like he liked that word, 'totally'.
"Every single one of them was so silly and childish! I couldn't engage in a serious relationship with a single one of them. Each one of them expected to be taken out to dinner and paid for - with candles! Or watch some sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a “heart-pounding experience”! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy “see you tomorrow” and then walk away! And that's it?"
I didn't see what was wrong with it, but I kept that to myself. If Haruki thought there was a problem, then a problem there must be.
"Then, without fail, they'd confess their deep love and adoration - over the phone. Wouldn't you tell me something that important to my face?!"
I could sympathize with those girls there, though. Making such an important - to them, anyway - confession to somebody who be staring at you like a bug would be uncomfortable, to say the least. They'd lose their nerve just from seeing your scowling face, Haruki! I really hoped I'd never have to confess to a guy like that.
"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him the-."
"Who said anything about you?!"
What? Did I say something wrong again?
"The problem is that are all the women in this world such dim-witted, twittering creatures. I spent most of middle school just being irritated."
Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!
"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"
"I am fine with aliens or anything along those lines, so long as they're not normal. I don't even care if they're male or female."
"Why are you so insistent that they be anything other than humans?" I asked. Haruki glared at me as if I were a fly he wanted to squish.
"Because ordinary humans are no fun at all!"
I suppose... he might be right.
I had to agree with Haruki on this one. I wouldn't mind if the beautiful new transfer student was a half-alien half-human hybrid; if that moron Taniguchi, sitting there trying to spy on me and Haruki, turned out to be a magical girl who fought evil in the name of the moon alongside a talking lizard, that would actually have been pretty cool. If Asakura Ryou, who was smiling at us for some reason, turned out to be a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, well. Then my school life would be as exciting as it could get.
Of course, there's no way that could happen. Aliens, Time travelers, handsome princes, magical powers - they didn't exist. No such thing. And even if they did exist, there was completely zero chance they'd just pop up in front of humble citizens like me, and say things like "Hello, I'm an alien-"
"THAT'S WHY!"
Haruki suddenly yelled, standing up and knocking his chair backwards in the process. Everybody in the classroom swiveled to gawk at him.
"THAT'S WHY I'M WORKING SO HARD!!"
"Sorry I’m late!"
Okabe-sensei, looking bright, cheerful and completely out of breath, rushed in, took one look at Haruki standing with his fists clenched, glaring at the ceiling, took another look at everybody in the class staring at him, and froze in bewilderment.
"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"
Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Phew!
As I turned to face the front of the classroom, the entire class followed suit. Okabe-sensei, still disorientated by the commotion, wobbled to the podium and cleared her throat.
"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... well, let's begin!"
With those few phrases, the atmosphere in the room finally returned to normal. Though no doubt this was the kind of atmosphere Haruki detested.
But isn't that life?
[edit] Part 6
Somebody had apparently decided that at the end of the first month, we all needed to swap seats. So class monitor Asakura-san wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper and dropped them into a tin, and we each drew our names out of it to get our seat. In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window, overlooking the courtyard. Goodbye, Haruki! Farewell... forever!
That lasted for all of about five seconds, before the next seat was drawn. Guess who got the seat behind me. Go on, guess.
-
"Why hasn't anything interesting happened yet?" he muttered irritatedly at me, one day. "Like little grade-schoolers disappearing one-by-one, or teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom?"
"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff."
"I joined the Mystery Study Group."
"Oh. What happened?" I asked.
"They're a total joke!" he exploded. "They haven't had a single encounter with anything that looks anything like a case! All their members are just mystery novel bookworms, but none of them look remotely like detective material."
"Well, that sounds about right."
"Quite frankly, I had high hopes, too, for the Supernatural Phenomena Research Society."
"Really?"
"But they turned out to be just some bunch of occult freaks. Does that sound like any fun to you?"
"Not really."
"This school is just ridiculously boring! Doesn't this school have any remotely interesting clubs?"
"Not much you can do about something that doesn't exist." I said.
"I thought high school would have some kick-ass clubs!" he said, obviously getting worked up. "Man, this is like trying to get into the NFL, but discovering your school doesn't even have a football club!"
Haruki stared at the skies like a spectre ready to lay a thousand curses on a thousand monasteries, and let out a huge sigh.
Should I feel sorry for him?
I didn't know what kind of clubs he liked. Maybe he doesn't know what kind of clubs he likes, either. He was probably just looking for 'something interesting'. What was 'something interesting'? UFOs? Exorcisms? Murder mysteries? I got the feeling that he didn't have any idea, either. He just wanted something different in his life.
I know how that feels.
"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any." I suggested. Maybe I should try to enlighten him with what I've learned.
"Judging by history, humans are generally satisfied with the way things are at the time. Those who aren't went on to create new inventions and to advance civilization. Planes were invented because people wanted to fly; trains and cars were invented because people wanted to move around more easily. But all this came from a limited amount of people who had innovative plans and concepts. In other words, it was the geniuses who made it all possible; only a genius can convert their imagination into reality. Ordinary folks like you and me should be content with an ordinary life."
"Silence!"
Haruki cut me and what was potentially a brilliant speech off with that short, sharp bark, and turned his head away. He looked like he was in a really bad mood. But then again, when wasn't he in a really bad mood? There was nothing new about that.
This guy probably doesn't care what it is, so long as it's extraordinary, and it defies the tedium of reality. But this world doesn't have that kind of stuff. No, really, I should know. I was searching for years.
Long live the laws of physics! Thanks to you, humanity can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.
A normal response... right?
In retrospect, the above conversation might have been the trigger for everything that happened afterwards.
Unfortunately for me, I never even saw it coming.
The sun was warm and comfortable, and everybody in the classroom was feeling drowsy. Just as I felt myself nodding off, something grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards, hard. I smacked my head on the desk behind me, and tears immediately sprang to my eyes.
"What the hell are you doing!?"
"I finally got it!"
I turned my head in rage and indignation, still smarting from the blow to my brain, and saw Haruki, smiling a huge smile that was as bright as the desert sun - the first time I'd seen him smile, ever! If smiles could be measured in terms of temperature, then his was the Sahara Desert, a supernova of a smile. It was certainly... overwhelming.
"I finally got it!" he repeated, still tugging on my hair excitedly. Hey, don't spit all over me!
"Why didn't I realise this before?" His eyes shone as brightly as Cygnus Alpha. I had no choice but to ask.
"Realise what?"
"If it doesn't exist, then I just have to make one myself!!"
"Make one what?"
"A CLUB!!"
My head spun, but I didn't think it had anything to do with my head smacking into the desk just a second ago.
"I see. That's... that's great. Do you think you could let go of my hair now?"
"What's with your reaction?" he pouted. "You should be happier about something like this!"
"You can tell me all about your wonderful discovery later" I said. "Right now, I just want you to think about where exactly we are right now. And please, calm down!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Class is still in session."
Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. As I turned my ringing head back towards the front of the classroom, I noticed most of my classmates gawking, awestruck, their mouths hanging half-open. The poor newbie English teacher, piece of chalk still in hand, stared at us as well, looking as though she were ready to cry.
I signaled Haruki to sit down, quickly, and bowed politely towards the poor teacher, as if to say, please continue with the lesson. I could hear Haruki muttering something under his breath as he unwillingly took his seat, and the teacher begun nervously scratching on the board again.
To create a new club...
Hmmm.
Don't tell me I'm already a member.
My poor, aching head was arguably an omen of things to come.
[edit] Chapter 2
Chapter 2 by Kaisos Erranon edited by Jintor and Beanbrew
[edit] Part 1
It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.
After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he pulled my collar and dragged me through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.
The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.
What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? I’m not an alien! Put me down!
He did.
"Help me out," Haruki said, still grabbing my collar.
"Help with what?"
"Help me make my new club!"
"Why do I have to help you make a new club? Tell me that, first!"
"I'll go find members and a room, so you go get the chartering paperwork."
He wasn't even listening to me!
I managed to untangle myself from Haruki's grip. "What exactly is this club going to be about?"
"Doesn't matter. The important thing is to make the club first!"
I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.
"Understood? Find out what you have to do before school's out, and I'll find us a room before that! OK?"
No!
...except that if I had said that, I got the feeling that I'd he'd have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.
"...I didn't say yes or no yet..."
Sigh. No point telling my woes to a plaster statue. I could only drag my heavy feet back towards the classroom, trying to work out how to explain all this to my curious classmates.
Requirements for the creation of an 'association':
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summery of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'Research Society'. Associations do not get school funding.
I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements because they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.
The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.
I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.
Well, that's what I told him. But Suzumiya Haruki is the kind of person who only hears what he wants to hear.
As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.
"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. And I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.
"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!
We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.
There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.
"Here it is!"
Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. I followed him inside, naturally.
The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.
And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.
"This room is now our clubroom!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class, I mused.
"Hang on a second." I said. "Where is this place?"
"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building! You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"
Did he spend a period memorizing all of that?
"Then, what about the Literature Club?"
Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."
What about the guy in the corner?
"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."
"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"
"Close enough, right? A club with only a single member is the same as one with none, you know?"
You... idiot! We're going to just take over other people's clubrooms now?
I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...
"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.
"He said he's fine with it."
"For real?"
"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Guess he's a bit of a weirdo, huh?"
You're one to talk, Haruki. I took another look at our oddball Literature Club member.
His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.
As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.
It was a little scary, actually.
"Nagato Yuuki."
His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.
"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"
"Yes."
His eyes never left the page once.
"It might be troublesome for you."
"No matter."
"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."
"Feel free."
Quick responses were good, but there was no sense of feeling in any of them. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.
"Right, then, it's decided!" Haruki interjected. He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?
"Be sure to meet in this room after school, then, from now on. Be sure to come! Or else~!"
He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.
If I didn't agree, he might decide to drag me off to another hell hole, something equally horrible to this club of his.
[edit] Part 2
The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.
Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?
I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't decided just to kidnap me again.
Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know it's the Literature Club, but don't they do anything besides read?
Silence.
"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It had a dazzling cover, topped by Gothic Lettering of some foreign words. It looked like some kind of science fiction book.
"Is it interesting?"
He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."
I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.
"...which part of it?"
"All of it."
"...guess you like books, huh?"
"Relatively."
"Is that so...?"
"..."
Silence.
Could I go home now?
As I placed my bag on the desk and moved to seat myself, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Rather brutally.
"Sorry about being late! It took a while to catch him!" announced Haruki cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.
Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.
It was another boy.
And a ridiculously cute one at that.
He was small and slim; he looked as though he was a middle school student playing dress-ups in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a childish kind of way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around the room with a silent appeal for help. He reminded me a little of my little brother.
This is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?
"W-what are you doing?" the boy quavered. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"
"Silence."
The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around his shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"
...
...was that the entirety of the introduction?!
Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied, as though he had already done his duty; Nagato Yuuki was, as expected, reading his book as though nothing had happened; and this mystery boy Asahina Mitsuuru was cowering, on the verge of tears. It didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.
"Where did you abduct him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.
"I didn't kidnap him! I just made him come with me!"
That's the same thing!
"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole of the school at breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"
Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...
"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"
Not that he looks like one, but I'm not in any position to talk.
"What about it?"
I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.
"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"
"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.
"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"
That's really not very nice, Haruki.
Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”
My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.
“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”
Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.
"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"
Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!
His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...
Oh. Oh my god.
I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had gone too far this time.
"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?
“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”
I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”
Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book during the entire thing. What's with him?
“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”
This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.
“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”
Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?
"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."
...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has officially broken the bounds of normal human stupidity. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangereous Idiot Ever".
"Mitsuru-kun!" Haruki demanded. "You in any clubs?"
"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."
"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of my club activities."
Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?
Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.
"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."
Uh, what did you just understand?
"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."
Eh?
He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."
"Oh, we're not the Literature Club." Haruki clarified, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurridly cut in to explain.
"We're just temporarily borrowing this room for our club activites. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an as yet unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."
"...wha-?"
"Incidentally, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".
"Oh..."
Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.
"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name!"
I glared at Haruki.
"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."
I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preparation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.
Attention, duelists! everybody! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.
SOS Brigade!
That is...
Save the World by
Overloading it with Fun!
Suzumiya Haruki’s Brigade
That is to say, the SOS Brigade.
Feel free to laugh now.
I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.
You're probably wondering why it's called a Brigade. Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun! Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.
Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.
Oh, joy.
Look, just do whatever you want...
[edit] Chapter 3
Chapter 3 After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.
"Senpai!"
"Yes?"
Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.
"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."
"No."
He stopped and smiled at me.
"It's all right. I want to join."
"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”
"But you're in it, aren't you?"
Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?
"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.
""Pardon?"
"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."
"Interested?"
"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.
"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"
"Uh, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"
"Please, just call me Mitsuuru!"
He smiled.
Aww… he’s so cute!
The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.
"You know what we need next?"
"Beats me."
"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"
I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"
"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."
"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."
"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"
"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”
"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"
"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”
Rumours started to fly that Haruki and I were plotting something.
"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"
Taniguchi seemed upset.
"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"
No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!
"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."
If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.
Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...
"We need a computer!"
Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?
Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the words "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.
"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"
What are you talking about?
In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.
Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.
"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.
"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"
"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?
"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.
I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.
"Hold this."
Haruki handed me an digital camera.
"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"
He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.
"What!? No way! You can't do that!"
"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"
Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"
"Silence! No buts!" Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!
Just as I was about to open my mouth and tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.
"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"
The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.
"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.
"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"
"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"
The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"
"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"
Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.
"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"
Haruki puffed up his chest. "I am that I am! I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"
...Subordinates?
Since when are we your subordinates?
"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.
"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"
"Hah!" Haruki snorted.
"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."
His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.
Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."
He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze.
"W-we can explain!"
The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"
"Silence!"
Haruki had apparently had enough.
"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"
"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.
"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."
That’s the same thing!
“...No.”
The president had decided to stand up for herself.
“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"
Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"
Click!
I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.
“Kyaaaaaah!”
That would be the President, shrieking.
“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”
Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”
The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.
“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”
“Oh, that’s easy enough.”
Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.
"KYAAA-"
"WAHHH-"
Click!
To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"
I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.
"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.
"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"
"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"
This time?
"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"
I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.
"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"
The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.
"That's right!"
"Our President is innocent!"
If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"
You could have heard a pin drop.
“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”
“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"
Haruki laughed long and loud.
I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.
"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"
Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"
The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.
"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.
"President!"
"Are you okay?"
"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"
The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.
"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki.
That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!
"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"
Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.
"D-Damnit! That one!"
After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.
"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."
How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.
After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."
The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"
"Camera."
"... T-take it, you thieves!"
Like she said, we really are thieves.
Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!
"Senpai...."
Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.
"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, you said you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly, not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.
Well, I would find out soon enough.
[edit] Chapter 4
Chapter 4
The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!
...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?
"You, of course!" Haruki said.
"Me?"
"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”
What about you?
“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"
The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;
"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."
Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.
"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."
That's what I wanted to say, anyway. I'm too used to taking orders from Haruki, so why back off now? Sigh.
And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.
Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that. The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?
Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.
"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"
Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.
"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.
"...Not really."
He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does go to class?
Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?
"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"
Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!
I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.
How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.
"Here."
He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.
"For you."
After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?
As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.
I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"
Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.
"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."
"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."
Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?
"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'
How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?
"Top secret!"
He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.
This part of your master plan again, Haruki?
Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.
"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."
I'd rather never find out, to be honest.
Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.
It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.
"Hi there!"
Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but those two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.
Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?
"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.
"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."
"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"
Seeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.
"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."
"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.
"I'm counting on you, then!"
"Hey, no worries." I said.
My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all been thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!
"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"
Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.
Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?
"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"
"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”
Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.
"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"
He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.
"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya
A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:
We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?
Gods, I hope not.
"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"
"What? Where?"
"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"
Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"
"Eh?"
Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.
"Voila!"
Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!
Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.
...Chippendales!?
I have never been so glad not to get a present.
"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.
"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.
"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"
"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"
"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.
"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"
"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"
“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"
"I-I don't wan-"
"Bah! Quit complaining!”
Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.
"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"
"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the struggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.
"D-DON'T LOOK!!"
Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's locked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.
And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!
As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.
"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"
"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"
I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.
A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.
"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”
When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.
I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.
"What'dya think?"
What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.
"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"
With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.
"S-Stop it, you idiot!"
That was the only thing I could think of to say.
“What? You don’t like it?”
“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”
“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"
"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"
"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."
"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"
"Internet."
"... Right."
Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"
Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.
He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.
"...There."
Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?
The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.
Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them!
About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.
The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.
As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.
"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"
He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.
"What? Was there a problem?"
"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.
Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!
"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"
I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.
"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!" Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.
"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"
I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.
He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.
I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...
Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.
"Kyon-nee-chan..."
His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.
"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"
...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!
Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.
Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!
Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.
Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.
Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!
What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.
"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"
It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.
"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"
Oh, shut up!
"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"
Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.
"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"
Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.
"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"
Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!
Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.
"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"
I guess I should've skipped school today, too.
Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turned out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realized that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.
Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.
"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"
"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a newcomer club like ours?"
I don’t think I was very convincing.
If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...
‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’
Oh, please! Like that'd happen.
Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.
The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the morning or to take to the movies on Sunday! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!
...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.
"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.
"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."
"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"
"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”
"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."
Haruki grinned.
Oh no, no no no. God no.
“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”
I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?
Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!
Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.
"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.
"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"
You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?
"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"
Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.
Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.
Just before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.
"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"
"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.
"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."
Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"
A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.
Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!
I thought of something else, however.
"Guy or girl?"
Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."
Well then she's a girl!
Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...
If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!
I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.
What was I to do?
In the end, I couldn't do a thing.
I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.
I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.
If only I had.
If I had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.
...probably.
The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.
Where to begin…?
Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...
[edit] Chapter 5
Chapter 5 - To be announced
[edit] Chapter 6
Chapter 6 - To be announced
[edit] Chapter 7
Chapter 7 - To be announced
[edit] Epilogue
Volume 1 Epilogue by Kaisos Erranon, Discreet's edit.
Let me tell you what happened afterwards.
On my way to the bathroom during lunch break, I met Itsuko in the corridor.
"I really should thank you from the bottom of my heart." She said, greeting me with a smile, "This world has remained unchanged, and Suzumiya-san is here as usual. I’ll have to continue my work now, but don’t think I'm not ungrateful, it’s all thanks to you that we’re all still here.”
Damn right.
“Of course, it's still possible that this world was only created last night! In any case, it’s an honor to have known you and Suzumiya-san. I hope to get to learn more about you," Itsuko said, before taking off, waving her hand at me. "See you after school!"
I went to the Literature Club room during lunch break and there sat Nagato reading his book as usual.
He looked up at me. "For two and a half hours this morning, you and Suzumiya Haruki had disappeared from this world."
He opened his mouth and said this, and only this. Then he lowered his head and continued reading.
"I'm reading the book you lent me now.” I said “I should be able to return it to you in a week."
"I see." He responded, not looking up.
"Can you tell me if there are many others like you on this planet?"
"A lot."
"Does that mean there'll be those who might attack me like Asakura did?"
Nagato now lifted his head and looked directly at me. "I won't let them."
I decided not to mention the library.
After school in the club room, I met Asahina-senpai, who was wearing his uniform for once instead of his maid outfit. When he saw me, he practically threw himself at me in tears.
"I'm so glad, I can still see you..." Asahina-senpai cried with his face buried in my shoulder. "I thought you'd never...(sniff)....return to this (sniff) world..."
Perhaps he just realized he was embracing me, because Asahina-senpai suddenly released me at once.
"N-no, I can't! If Suzumiya-san sees this, the same thing will happen again!"
"I don't really get what you're saying, Asahina-senpai..."
Looking at the teary-eyed, adorable little Asahina-senpai, I tried to calm him down. "Why aren't you wearing your maid costume today?"
"It's being washed."
At this point, I suddenly remembered something, and pointed towards my heart. "Oh yeah, Asahina-senpai, you've got a star-shaped birthmark around here on your chest."
Wiping the tears away from his eyes, Asahina-senpai looked confused. He then loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt to take a look inside it.
"E-eh, that's weird... I never noticed it myself... H-hey! How did you find out!?" Asahina-senpai blushed furiously. Cute as always.
Your future self told me about it. I wonder if I should tell Asahina-senpai the truth?
Suddenly, I heard someone near the door clearing their throat. It was Haruki, who stood there with an evil grin.
“Having fun, Mitsuuru-kun?” He said, as he lifted the paper bag he was carrying. “Congratulations!” Haruki hummed a tune that sounded like it came from an old RPG. “You've gained a level in manliness! Come! Time to change!"
Haruki moved as swiftly as a martial arts master and grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was too surprised to move.
"N...nooooo~~!" Poor Asahina-senpai screamed endlessly as Haruki forcefully pulled off his uniform.
"Stop moving! Resistance is futile! This time it's a butler uniform! Aren't you glad you don't have to cross-dress anymore?”
"A...at least lock the door!"
Of course, I went outside, shutting the door. Although I feel sorry for Asahina-san, I'm really looking forward to what I'll see when the door opens. I wonder how cute he'll be as a butler...
Ah yes, and Nagato was there as well, sitting in the corner as usual, quietly reading his book.
This time, I finally handed the SOS Brigade application form to the Student Council. If I didn't bribe the Student Council, there was no way they'd ever allow a club like the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" to exist.
That's why I changed the name slightly to the "Supporting the Student Council in Organizing the School Brigade" (abbreviated as the SOS Brigade), and I altered the club's activities summary to "providing all sorts of consultation services to any problems people may encounter at school, and to actively participate in local community services".
I don't know what that really means, but I guess it'll be OK as long as it makes sense grammatically. After that I'll just make some posters about those annoying consultations and stick them on the board. I have a feeling we won’t get any cases that Haruki would deem as “something interesting”.
On the other hand, Haruki's "Search for Mysterious Events" in the town continued under his command for the second memorable time today. According to precedent, today's activities should have involved wasting a whole weekend wandering around aimlessly, but today Asahina-senpai, Nagato, and even Itsuko all said they couldn't come as they had something important to do, so I ended up waiting all alone for Haruki at the station ticket turnstiles.
I don't know what those three were up to, or whether they genuinely had something important. But since they aren't normal humans in the first place, it's not surprising that they would need to handle some very important matters in some place I'd never heard of. I looked at my watch. There were still thirty minutes before the meeting time. I had stood here for thirty minutes already; in other words, I arrived an hour early. I did this not because I looked forward to today's activity, but because the SOS Brigade had an unwritten rule that whoever arrives last, whether they're late or not, has to pay a fine.
Besides, there's only two people involved in today's activity.
I lifted my head and saw a familiar figure, casually dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He probably never expected me to arrive so early, and stood stunned on the spot. He then grumpily raised a hand in greeting and walked towards me. I didn't know whether his frown had to do with today's low attendance rate, or the fact that I arrived earlier than he did. I'll just have to ask him when we get to the cafe. Of course, Haruki will be the one paying.
By then, I'll have many things I want to talk to him about, like where the SOS Brigade is going from now on, Asahina-senpai's costumes, trying to have him talk to his classmates for once, and asking him what he thinks of Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic techniques.
However, I need a good topic before I can start a real conversation with him.
Ah, I've already decided what to say. That's right, I've decided...
...To talk about aliens, time travelers, and espers.
END
