Haruki Suzumiya: Volume 1 Chapter 4

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Chapter 4

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

That's what I wanted to say, anyway. I'm too used to taking orders from Haruki, so why back off now? Sigh.

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that. The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does go to class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but those two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

Seeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all been thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the struggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's locked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them!

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!" Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turned out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realized that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a newcomer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the morning or to take to the movies on Sunday! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

Just before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

If I had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

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