Haruki Suzumiya: Volume 1 Chapter 3
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Chapter 3 After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.
"Senpai!"
"Yes?"
Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.
"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."
"No."
He stopped and smiled at me.
"It's all right. I want to join."
"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”
"But you're in it, aren't you?"
Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?
"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.
""Pardon?"
"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."
"Interested?"
"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.
"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"
"Uh, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"
"Please, just call me Mitsuuru!"
He smiled.
Aww… he’s so cute!
The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.
"You know what we need next?"
"Beats me."
"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"
I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"
"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."
"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."
"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"
"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”
"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"
"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”
Rumours started to fly that Haruki and I were plotting something.
"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"
Taniguchi seemed upset.
"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"
No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!
"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."
If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.
Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...
"We need a computer!"
Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?
Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the words "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.
"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"
What are you talking about?
In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.
Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.
"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.
"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"
"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?
"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.
I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.
"Hold this."
Haruki handed me an digital camera.
"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"
He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.
"What!? No way! You can't do that!"
"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"
Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"
"Silence! No buts!" Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!
Just as I was about to open my mouth and tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.
"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"
The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.
"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.
"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"
"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"
The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"
"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"
Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.
"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"
Haruki puffed up his chest. "I am that I am! I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"
...Subordinates?
Since when are we your subordinates?
"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.
"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"
"Hah!" Haruki snorted.
"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."
His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.
Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."
He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze.
"W-we can explain!"
The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"
"Silence!"
Haruki had apparently had enough.
"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"
"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.
"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."
That’s the same thing!
“...No.”
The president had decided to stand up for herself.
“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"
Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"
Click!
I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.
“Kyaaaaaah!”
That would be the President, shrieking.
“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”
Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”
The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.
“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”
“Oh, that’s easy enough.”
Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.
"KYAAA-"
"WAHHH-"
Click!
To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"
I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.
"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.
"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"
"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"
This time?
"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"
I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.
"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"
The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.
"That's right!"
"Our President is innocent!"
If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"
You could have heard a pin drop.
“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”
“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"
Haruki laughed long and loud.
I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.
"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"
Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"
The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.
"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.
"President!"
"Are you okay?"
"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"
The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.
"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki.
That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!
"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"
Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.
"D-Damnit! That one!"
After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.
"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."
How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.
After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."
The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"
"Camera."
"... T-take it, you thieves!"
Like she said, we really are thieves.
Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!
"Senpai...."
Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.
"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, you said you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly, not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.
Well, I would find out soon enough.
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